09.14ㅤcurrently very hopeful for the future. a highschool-dropout hardcore-vocalist, travelling the states with my hypothetical best friends to play music. gotta focus on my instruments, gotta put myself out there, gotta meet some people, gotta make it in the world.

09.13ㅤshe has his name, i have his words

09.13ㅤi moved on two years ago. i haven't really liked you for years. i just miss how you made me feel. you were my first and only romantic relationship and my fantasies latched onto the thought of you. neither of us are the same people we used to be - at least i know i'm not. i miss the idea of you. i want to talk to you again, i want to show you who i am today, and i want you to forgive me. i forgive you, even though you didn't do anything to me. please forgive me. i think if we got to know eachother again, it'd be like meeting a stranger for the first time, and we could become friends again and pretend like we never knew eachother before this. give me a second chance. or third. or fourth. or fifth. i lost track. i'm sorry.

09.13ㅤit's fun to imagine that you read my blog posts somehow, because it gives me an excuse to write to you in first person. in a way, it makes me feel less pathetic. or maybe more. i don't know. i miss you. talk to me again. you can't read these but i wish you did.

09.11ㅤwho am i if not what i pretend to be?

09.09ㅤthe first week of school excitement is fading and i can see the hundred-something absences from miles away. waking up early won't save you anymore when the time flies by like the cars on the freeway.

09.08ㅤi saw another corolla of a similar year in the school parking lot. i walked by it and it smelled the same as my old car. it seems that the universe is trying to make me miserable.

09.05ㅤwe officially have a buyer for the corolla, they're picking it up tomorrow. it was supposed to be my first car and the car i learn stick on, but we just don't have enough money to maintain it. selling your first car is worse than a breakup.

09.04ㅤwe lost the game. my sister and her friend left early with my dad but i stayed with our other friends. towards the end of the game we decided to walk to the dollar store with a new guy we met, we all got some snacks and messed around for a while before we had to go back to the school to all get picked up.

09.04ㅤi really want to rearrange everything in my room again. itching for change etc etc. today i discovered the early november, i'm listening to their second album while i'm (thinking about) cleaning. no school today, but i'm going to a football game at seven tonight. i can't figure out what i'm going to wear again. this seems like a common issue with me. i have a hoodie and a shirt on the way but i don't know if they'll get here by the time the weekend is over. i'm listening to my funeral for a friend cd. i want people to associate me with "i brought you my bullets, you brought me your love" by my chemical romance, but i don't know how to make this happen. can't force it. whatever.

09.03ㅤtoday's weather was a nice cold cloudy rainy day. i was very early to school today. my outfit looked pretty good if i do say so myself. my id picture turned out fine. i realized that i have more friends than i think i do. i reconnected with some friends from freshman year. my ex girlfriend broke up with her boyfriend. everyone who was once in my middle school trio is no longer friends with eachother. i completed the first week of my junior year of highschool. i feel like this autumn will be good to me.

09.02ㅤmy ex girlfriend is on my school bus. i hope we crash.

09.01ㅤtoday is my first day of junior year. my school is across the street from a graveyard, so if i ever show up early, i know where i'll go sit and listen to music for an hour.

08.31ㅤi should move to michigan

08.31ㅤtalking to the weird quiet kids sucks but talking to the basic popular kids is far worse. will i ever find somewhere i actually belong without having to hide parts of myself to fit in? classic teenager problem, i know.

08.31ㅤi thrifted another black hoodie to paint on since i fucked up my last one (made the letters too big) and i'm going to try stenciling again after i used a dull box cutter and fucked up my last stencil. i'm trying to think of simpleish band logos but i can't make up my mind on which one i wanna use. i still have plenty of time because, even if i started it now, it wouldn't be dry and clean by the time school starts tomorrow. whatever, i'll figure it all out eventually

08.30ㅤi've been writing so much i'm scared i'm going to get burnt out soon. hopefully something interesting will happen in the first week of school that i can write about. if i see my ex girlfriend i'll either kill both of us, write about it, or both in that order.

08.30ㅤi still have no idea what i'm gonna wear for the first day of school. i'm gonna wake up at five in the morning and ponder it while i shower. i want to wear my the banner hoodie so i can befriend anyone who recognizes it, but the concept of anyone in my school listening to the banner is slim to none. i have a sliver of hope that at least someone might recognize it as "the frank iero hoodie".

08.29ㅤit's supposed to rain for the entire first week of september. i can't wait to take the air conditioner out of my window and turn the heater on and smell all the dust burning. i can't wait to watch the rain out of my window. i can't wait for cold rainy gloomy foggy days and all of the trees to die and everything will be dead and neutral and boring and perfect. nothing can compare to the cold months.

08.29ㅤi definitely feel the most at home at a concert. small venues especially. three weeks ago, at the oakwood show, i experienced my first mosh pit, and it was the greatest experience of my life. i felt like i was breaking fifty social rules just by existing there, but nobody seemed to care, so i think i was fine. half of the bands were from seattle which totally added to the homeiness. i love being in portland in general. as much as i talk about being from there i'm technically from a neighboring city within twenty minutes of portland so i just say i'm from portland because out-of-state-ers understand where i'm talking about. anyways. i love walking down there, i love going to shows down there, i'll take any excuse to just walk around there. i'm not exactly a local, but i go there so often i kind of am, but i don't live there legally, so i'm at some weird inbetween stage. that describes my relationship with most things. i'm never quite one thing, but never quite the other. most of the time i feel unique and special, but sometimes i wish i could fit in to just one group, and not bounce between them. i've tried to just pick a side before, but i always end up regretting whichever side i pick.

08.29ㅤdo me a favor and don't pretend like you know me. the second we step foot on school property, we're strangers again. you haven't known me in a while, every time i'm around you i'm forced to wear the sheet of the ghosts i used to be. don't even look at me and think of how you remember me 'cause you just won't get it right no matter how hard you try.

08.01ㅤpeople coming and going like the seasons, but october couldn't come any sooner

07.21ㅤi don't need your fucking pity

07.20ㅤi plan so many roadtrips with so many different online friends that always fall through. i don't know why i am given second chances. i prove time and time again that i will always end up leaving and yet people still want to stay with me for some reason. i can't even feel bad for them after i do leave because i warned them. i just want to yell in their faces "i am a horrible person who can't keep any friends and it's my fault and i'm not guilt tripping you i'm being honest and if i were to say anything else less self deprecating i'd be a big fat liar". i hate liars, and also people who copy me, and a lot of other things, i have a lot of hate in my heart, and people online are like "doesnt that make you tired and miserable all the time?" but it's all i've ever had. i don't know what it's like to not be so hateful. sometimes i wish i knew, but to change that part of myself is to change me, even if its a bad part of me, and i'm not scared of change or anything, i love change, i hate being bored and stuck in one place, but every time i try to change myself for the better i lose track of every thing i am and spend a week spiraling trying to find a new name and a new way to dress that "actually fits me, who i really am" and all that. i just can't think about it at all or else it all falls apart, like when a broom thats been in the same place for two years decides to fall in the middle of the night onto the hardwood floor and wake up everyone sleeping downstairs. i'm a ticking time bomb. "this wont happen again" i say to myself, "this is really who i am this time and who i will be for the rest of my life"...

07.20ㅤyesterday i hung out with my friends and my sister and we smoked in the woods. i don't feel like i'm wasting my teenage years when i'm with them, its nice. i tried to have them watch fight club with me but my disc is scratched so i had to leave them on a cliffhanger. we tried to pull an all nighter but i passed out at three in the morning because i haven't pulled an all nighter since middle school. that concludes my status update of the whenever